married-to-depression

Depression ~ An Unwelcome Guest

2012-01-28T06:55:00.000-05:00

A good, quick read: http://www.rd.com/family/how-to-cope-with-a-depressed-spouse/

READ ~ Men Get The Blues ~ article in Time Mag

2011-03-07T10:58:00.004-05:00

This week's READ is an article from a 2003 Time Magazine that I read back then & placed a post-it note on, wrote "helpful, honey" but never gave it to my husband....this was before he was willing to treat & defeat so, the article remained in a pile of papers that never got filed. Hope it is helpful to you or your "honey."

Click here

Health:Real Men Get The Blues

Can't Get Enough Happiness, Can We?

2011-01-25T18:24:00.004-05:00

I may be late in the proverbial game but, I am just now discovering Gretchen Rubin and her fabulous book titled The Happiness Project. If you have some free time and wish to discover something new...check out her website: http://www.happiness-project.com/

A blurb of what it's all about (from her website)..."THE HAPPINESS PROJECT is the memoir of the year I spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific studies, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier – happily, it was a #1 New York Times bestseller. As one of the hundreds of experiments I've conducted, I started this blog. Here, I recount my daily adventures in pursuit of happiness. – Gretchen Rubin"

Back in The (Blog) Saddle Again and Thankful

2011-01-18T09:13:00.005-05:00

It has been just too long since I paid attention to my MTD blog and I am not going to neglect it any longer. I am thrilled to have had over 24,000 readers since I started MTD in 2008 as it means that the eyes that have scrolled over these pages have read that they are not alone in their struggle to love someone who suffers from depression and that they should be hopeful that things can get better, as it did in our case.

The new year finds our family healthy (both emotionally & physically!), happy and thankful. My husband continues to be well and has not had a recurrence of the depression that gripped him and shook him (and our family) to the ground back in 2007. We credit his wellness to his continued commitment to medication, devoted family time and a concentration on the simple pleasures of life.

A year and a half ago, we moved out of the big city to a charming mid-size town in the mountains of the Deep South. My husband was offered a fabulous new job, with less pressure than a corporate position and we jumped at the opportunity to move somewhere with a slower pace. We have embraced life here and believe we are truly blossoming where we are planted. It brings me pleasure, daily, to see my husband enjoying his life fully. He tells me on an almost weekly basis how much he appreciates mental wellness and the ability to enjoy life. His recovery is a relief, our struggles those years ago have made us a closer, happier unit and I am so thankful for our life together.

I must admit, it is hard for me to go back to my oldest posts and read them without choking up. With a slight lump in my throat, I did just that yesterday and gasped at my stream-of-consciousness writing as it was so honest, raw and unedited. Developing my blog was therapeutic, in every sense of the word. For that, I am thankful and hope MTD continues to serve as a useful tool to readers who stumble across it in our giant www.

Thank you for reading.

Nurturing Your Friendships...It's Good For Your Health, Ladies!

2011-01-17T14:20:00.003-05:00

A friend recently forwarded me this email about a Stanford lecture that she thought was worthy of passing along to her girlfriends. It's worth a read and something to consider, especially when faced with adversity in your life and not 'in the mood' to be with your friends. Been there, done that. Now, go call an old friend and some make plans...it will be good for you.

Here is the text from her email:

"I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection--the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.

Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality “girlfriend time" helps us to create more serotonin-- a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings?-- rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.

There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged-- not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very, very lucky. Soooo let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. Evidently, it's very good for our health."

Three Day Waiting Period = Life Sustained

2008-07-08T18:35:00.004-04:00

Our life as we know it now is purely a result of the three day grace period that is required in our state when one purchases a gun. It took 18 hours for my husband to cry out for help the final time following the purchase of a gun - to end his life due to his chronic, untreated depression. I am forever grateful for this waiting period and am appalled at those who find it unconstitutional. The waiting period saved my husband's life, PERIOD. Within 24 hours of purchasing the gun, my husband had checked himself into the hospital, the bullets were properly disposed of and our life took a turn - for the better.

Click here for more about purchasing guns in our state.

Married To Depression - the book (not by me!)

2008-05-22T09:45:00.004-04:00

The world is so small - especially in cyber-world! Recently, I received a nice email from an individual in South Africa who informed me of a book written by Thelma Lockhart titled Married To Depression - A True Life Story. Threefold Publishing was kind enough to send me a copy. I was so excited to receive it and read the entire book in one sitting. What an inspiring story, an encouraging message and a pleasant read! I encourage all of you MTD readers to order this book. Click here to access publisher's website.

Thelma Lockhart is a hero to me - a woman who has persevered through 51 years (so far) of marriage with her husband while he struggled with bipolar depression. She never gave up on him, made sacrifices to make their marriage work, successfully raised her children and sustained herself through her own personal interests, passions and most importantly, her strong faith.

Many thanks to Threefold Publishing (South Africa) for sending me a copy of this book!

Your Emergency Mood Kit

2008-04-01T20:41:00.005-04:00

Continuing on the "taking care of yourself" mode - for those darker moments where your mood is low and you feel like crawling in bed - your spouse's depression is wearing you down....tackle those down times and attend to yourself....read on -

I recently found an article on Oprah.com written by Martha Beck. She discusses Mood Mending and ways in which we can control the patchy states of our moods. She offers ways in which one can prod the brain into the more cheerful, calm and grateful mood. Take a moment and give her "mood kit" a try!

"Everyone experiences mood variations—while you may feel cheerful and optimistic most of the time, you might occasionally feel grumpy, anxious, or dejected. Such fluctuating mood states are both inevitable and, to some degree, controllable."

(Art titled Fragments of Rome by artist Woody Igou)

2008-03-15T11:06:00.013-04:00

As family and close friends learned about my personal circumstance and struggles in relation to my husband's depression, I was and continue to be asked about how I kept myself well, how I maintain my own happiness, how could I possibly have been cheerful during my husband's darkest days (weeks, months...).

Here are some things that helped me:

FIND YOURSELF AN INDIVIDUAL THERAPIST

Hopefully, your spouse is being treated for his/her depression. (Talk therapy in combination with care from a psychiatrist.) Here is the next most important thing - get yourself a talk therapist! I can't stress this enough. I went once a week during the toughest times and then tapered off to once a month. During these sessions, the focus was on ways for me to cope properly. My therapist offered views into my situation that I just couldn't see for myself. People ask me all the time whether they need a psychiatrist, psychologist or a masters level therapist (ie: licensed marriage and family therapist, licensed clinical social worker or a licensed mental health counselor). All of these people are trained in talk therapy to one degree or another. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who prescribe medication. Psychologists are PhDs who do talk therapy (some) and also do a variety of testing. Masters level therapists are trained solely to do talk therapy. If you use a masters level clinician, PLEASE make sure they are licensed by your state's Department of Health. A reputable online search tool for locating a therapist near you is http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ (If you do not find a therapist in your town or if you are in a rural area, look into licensed therapists who perform tele-counseling or web-cam counseling. Do not let anything stop you from getting help for yourself.)

STRIVE TO BE CHEERFUL

I really do live by the following quote by the late soprano Beverly Sills - "I may not always be happy but I am always cheerful." It isn't hard for me to be cheerful as I am innately optimistic and come from a long line of strong, positive women. My default mode is upbeat, forward thinking, not in a pollyanna sense but in a more realistic way - think of "The Secret" - and this works for me and always has. This is not to say that I do not have dark moments or days where I have felt like I could crawl under the sheets for 24 hours straight.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE

I make an effort to be surrounded by people who keep me bouyant, who view the world in a positive way, who are not cynical or distrustful of the blessings of life. Negative people can easily sap one of great energy and these are the people whom I have little patience for. The most positive influences for me during the worst times of my husband's depression are those friends and family members who were empathetic and shared my pain but who could also keep it light. Most of my time, after all, is spent with the two most joyous individuals in this entire world - my two little girls! Time spent playing and talking with children (if you don't have any, go hang around a friend's!) is by far the most positive time in the world. Try it.

EAT WELL AND TAKE VITAMINS

Eliminate white flour, simple sugars, sugar substitutes, excessive caffeine or alcohol as much as you can. I hated hearing this from my individual therapist but it worked! Eat more protein, leafy greens, complex carbs, lots of water, green tea. These are things that I did to keep myself healthy and free from those sugar and caffeine crashes...don't get me wrong, I strayed at least once a week and indulged in a dessert or something like that but for the most part, my diet was improved and so was my mental health - kept me strong so that I could "be there" for my husband. If you can afford it, consult a nutritionist or do your own research on an intense vitamin/herb regime to begin....I swear by my vitamins. Make sure you are taking a fish oil supplement, B complex and gingko....again, do your own research or consult a nutritionist.

GET INTO A GOOD BOOK - NOT SELF-HELP

Self-helps are good but take advantage of whatever down-time you may have and pick up a book totally unrelated to your real life! Find out what is on Oprah's book club list, check out the book reviews in Vogue, People or Oprah's magazine (love this mag!) and read!!! This took me away for an hour a day (usually right before I'd fall asleep) and I'd forget about our struggles, forget that my husband was in the darkest depths of depression for a brief moment in time. You must free your mind a little in order to keep it from shutting down...

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

With two young children, I was constantly on the go - to the park, to playdates, school functions, bike rides, etc... The way that I could have improved upon this important aspect of taking care of oneself is to have gone out without my kids more often. This is something that proved to be hard for me. The catch here is that when I would run into friends/acquaintances who did not know my husband's situation, I would be caught in small-talk that just got my blood boiling. This was a weak spot of mine. I had a difficult time chit-chatting about the latest girly topics while I knew my home life was hanging by a thread and that at any moment, my husband would possibly want to end it all and have to be hospitalized. I found myself not attending committee meetings, dinner clubs, parenting classes or general membership meetings for the women's organizations I belong to. The inevitable, "How are you?" would make me cringe b/c I would have to say, "Great!" and then proceed to share something unrelated to my poor, suffering husband. This is where my innate positivity would come into play.

Guess what? When I did push myself to attend a women's meeting or go somewhere out of my safety net of those friends and family members who knew, it would often propel me into a type of fantasy world (kind of like reading a book) that would make me forget my/our troubles. I would get in the car after a meeting, and would realize that I had such a good time and the focus was not on my husband or kids - it was on me and my interactions as a woman. This was good for me and I wish I had pushed myself out more often.

EXERCISE

Get those endorphins going...run, walk fast or ride your bike for 30 minutes a day!!!! It is such an anti-depressant. Helped me tremendously.

GET OUTSIDE - PLAY WITH YOUR KIDS (or someone else's)

I am lucky that I live in a tropical climate and can go outside almost all year and enjoy beautiful weather. Get a chair and plop it in your grass, breathe fresh air and enjoy the sounds of nature, look at the birds or watch your kids and/or pets romp around the yard. Play with your kids! Get a hard puzzle going together, get lost in playdough with them, go to the library and check out 30 books that you've never read together and get lost in them, make collages, find joy in what they like to do - this helped me so much and continues to serve as such a source of pleasure for me.

TAP INTO YOUR SPIRITUAL SIDE

Attend your church/synagogue services at least once a month - if anything - it is an hour of nice music, an interesting (hopefully) sermon/talk and time to reflect....I wish I had done this more as well. Thankfully, dear friends of mine were the catalysts for me to get my children and myself dressed as they would wait for us on the church steps before going in for the service....it takes a village!

Hospitalization and the static that surrounds...

2008-03-06T09:18:00.004-05:00

I just read an article on WebMD titled When Hospitalization is Needed. It discussed treatment resistant depression and it's implications which reminded me of our personal experience with my husband's hospital stay last year. For us, when he entered the hospital, it was a slight relief that finally he would begin serious treatment and would be on his way to getting well. He had been unable to fully commit to getting well, taking medication, seeing a talk therapist, facing his disease. I watched him unravel before my very eyes until there was no returning from the depths of depression.

He cried out for help one morning last Spring and entered a facility that day - the stay was less than two weeks. In the hospital, he stuck out like a sore thumb...this tall, handsome, sophisticated-looking man who even in his worst state of mind remained charming and intelligent. His physical appearance was a facade, however, because underneath he was a tiny little shrivelled up man, afraid of himself and of the world around him, terrified of what life had to offer, torn apart and desperate. He had lost control of his thoughts and felt completely helpless against the demons of his severe depression. He amused the psychiatric nurses and doctors as he requested things like his 900 page book on the civil war and how he studied for an advanced commercial real estate exam that he was scheduled to take upon release. Between therapy sessions and group activities with fellow patients, he was studying and reading. It just shows you that there is not a profile of a "mental patient" - here was this MBA, high-level executive in the mix at the ward with an attorney, a homeless man, a teacher, a soccer mom...you get the idea. My husband was able to find humor in a fellow patient (bless his heart) that was a cross-dresser who thought he was paralyzed and rendered himself to a wheelchair all the time. We called him "Dora" because, with his wig, he resembled the cartoon character, Dora the Explorer. We were not making fun of him but it really provided a little comic relief during the depressing visiting hours in the communal room.

During his stay, my husband only wanted a few visitors - our immediate family members in town and also his close friend who knew all along that he was struggling with depression. Other than that, his emotional situation still remained a secret...there was shame and embarrassment associated with this. If he needed a new job, would anyone hire him after knowing what he struggles with? Would we be rejected as a nice family in town? Would the non-profit still want him on the Board of Directors if they knew he had been hospitalized? All of these things ran through our brains during this awful time and muddled our common sense. Now we know that these things are not as important as simply focusing on good mental health, sustaining our strong family unit and nurturing our close friendships. The other stuff is just static...

Here is a link to that article from WebMD...http://www.webmd.com/depression/hospitalization-needed

Causes of Depression

2008-03-04T09:01:00.004-05:00

By Pradeep Chauhan
February 17, 2008

Some types of depression do seem to run in families, suggesting a biological vulnerability. This seems to be the case with bipolar depression and, to a lesser degree, severe major depression. Studies of families, in which members of each generation develop bipolar disorder, found that those with bipolar disorder have a somewhat different genetic makeup than those who are not diagnosed.

An external event often seems to initiate an episode of depression. Thus, a serious loss, chronic illness, difficult relationship, financial problem, or any unwelcome change in life patterns can trigger a depressive episode. Very often, a combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors is involved in the onset of a depressive disorder.

Biological Causes

Additional research data indicate that people suffering from depression have imbalances of neurotransmitters, natural substances that allow brain cells to communicate with one another. Two transmitters implicated in depression are serotonin and norepinephrine. Scientists think a deficiency in serotonin may cause the sleep problems, irritability, and anxiety associated with depression. Likewise, a decreased amount of norepinephrine, which regulates alertness and arousal, may contribute to the fatigue and depressed mood of the illness.

Stress Causes

Some people become depressed through being overwhelmed by change and stress. We live in a time of rapidly increasing change and the demands of adjustment are difficult. Too much of an adjustment in too short of a time may over burden a person. Stress begins to wear them out and there is a loss of resiliency. They can no longer bounce back from adversity. They begin to pull away from others and their energy decreases.

Sudden Severe Loss

In this situation, the individual has experienced a sudden, perhaps surprising severe loss. This loss may be the death of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of friendship, or other grief process. In this type of depression, the patient can clearly identify what is creating the depressed mood.A serious loss, chronic illness, relationship problems, work stress, family crisis, financial setback, or any unwelcome life change can trigger a depressive episode.

Very often, a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors are involved in the development of depressive disorders, as well as other psychological problems. When you feel depressed, and don't know where to turn, talk to someone who can help.... a psychologist. (From MTD - or a licensed master's level therapist)

Source: Americanchronicle.com

Husband asking for patience through lyrics by Wilco

2008-02-25T19:02:00.014-05:00

My husband once asked me to read the lyrics to this song and when I did, it gave me chills, as he could have written these words himself.

The link to this video is at the bottom of this page if you want to hear it....

Please Be Patient With Me

by Wilco

I should warn you
When I’m not well I can’t tell
Oh, there’s nothing I can do
To make this easier for you
You’re gonna need to be patient with me
I’m this apple, this happening stone
When I’m alone
Oh, but my blessings get so blurred
At the sound of your words
I’m gonna need you to be patient with me
How can I warn you when my tongue turns to dust
Like we’ve discussed
It doesn’t mean that I don’t care
It means I’m partially there
You’re gonna need to be patient with me

(Art by Frederic Terral titled Patience)

Marital Therapy During Spouse's Depression?

2008-02-17T20:54:00.011-05:00

My answer is no. We tried this and it bombed. I ended up having a fit in the car after the session - I seriously lost my cool after hearing what my husband had to say about me to the therapist. It was soon after he had hit rock-bottom and was taking time off of work to recover. I couldn't bear to hear about any negativity in relation to me as his wife - I WAS STICKING BY HIM AND HE WAS A DEPRESSED MESS. What more could he want? Yes, I did lose my keys alot. Yes, I am forgetful. No, I am not ambitious. Yes, I want to be a full-time mom. Yes, I would like to buy a playset for the kids. No, I don't only think about ways to spend money. GUESS WHAT? Yes, I do love you even though your affect is that of a white sheet of paper. No, I don't expect you to help out with the kids b/c I know you are down and exhausted. Yes, I will perform as mother AND father to these two kids while you try to come out of the depths of depression. Oh YES, I will sacrifice my every need to make sure it serves toward your happiness b/c that is what we are striving toward, every minute of everyday. No, I won't complain. Oh and NO, I won't say a word to anyone - not even my friends and family.

Those were my thoughts almost one year ago. Oh yes, I was extremely peeved. My stress level was through the roof. The therapist (who was reluctant to see us together as she had been serving as my individual therapist through my husband's depression) was supportive, empathetic during this attempt at a marital therapy session - I really wanted her to see him in the state that he was in, to get a first-hand idea of what I was living with.

This session together should not have happened. It made it worse for me. I was ready to take my kids and run despite my convictions to be in this "for better or for worse." I was so weak and vulnerable and not able to handle any complaints about me. I felt I was doing my best, best, best. It wouldn't have taken much for me to unravel and this marriage therapy session almost did it.

Now, fast forward to this moment - he has recovered but as I have said in this blog, still fights the dreaded D word everyday. However, we are both more familiar with the strength of this disease and we also both know to keep it from manipulating us. Marriage therapy will now be helpful. It will not render me 125 pounds of trembling flesh. I can handle criticism from my husband at this point. I am so glad I worked through my anger and pushed through my weakest moments. This is my husband: my past, present and future - whatever that may bring. I adore him and wouldn't change the core of who he is for the world. Thank goodness we made it this past year...

If someone asks me if they should seek marital therapy during their spouse's depression, I would state an emphatic "NO" but would encourage individual therapy for both. (I would also like to state here that a psychiatrist should also be part of the treatment team for the depressed spouse.) When the depressed spouse has recovered from the worst of the depression, it would then be wise to visit a marriage therapist.

Depression in Men - Research Summary

2008-02-17T13:26:00.004-05:00

Depression In Men
Research Summary
Dr. Dean Edell Reports

BACKGROUND: About 6 million men in the United States are diagnosed with depression each year. While women are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with the illness, some researchers say many men suffer in silence because of society's stigmas and stereotypes. In fact, researchers say men are four-times more likely to commit suicide than women.

THE STIGMA: Experts say men are not as likely as women to get help for their depression. Terrence Real, a psychotherapist at the Harvard-affiliated Family Institute of Cambridge, says societal stigmas do not allow men to express their feelings, which discourages them from getting help. He says, "Most guys are about as likely to get help for depression as they are to ask for directions and for much the same reason. It is unmanly to be vulnerable. It is unmanly to need help." Real also says depressed men have to deal with two stigmas - that of having a mental illness and that of being considered "feminine."

DIFFERENT SYMPTOMS: Real says symptoms of depression can be different in men. He says they are sometimes obvious -- showing up as signs of sadness, trouble sleeping, changes in appetite and fatigue. However, other times, depression in men can be less obvious when the behaviors become the symptoms. Behaviors like drinking, drugs, gambling or spending too much time at work could all be signs of depression. Psychologist William Pollack, Ph.D., from Harvard Medical School, says it's these unexpected behaviors that allow depression to go undetected by family, friends and even doctors. He says, "Often, someone says, 'Oh, he is just a man, or he is a real SOB, or he is a real pain to be with,' when in fact, he is in the first stages if not the second stages of clinical depression."

TREATMENT: Researchers say when men seek treatment, a successful recovery is likely. Real says, "Depression is one of psychology's great success stories. About 90 percent of people who get help for depression report substantial relief." Medications and talk therapy are the two of the most common treatments for depression. Some ways to help men seek these successful treatments include: Confrontation -- Sam Cochran, Ph.D., from the University of Iowa, says the best way to convince a man to get help is to simply confront him. He says, "Hit it head-on, you know, say, 'I am worried about how you are feeling or how you are. You have been under a lot of emotional stress lately.'"

Spousal Intervention -- Real says women should not underestimate their power in helping men with depression. He says if a man refuses to seek therapy, his wife should suggest going to couple's therapy together, which will at least get him to talk to a professional. Real says, "I think that one of the great unrecognized forces in men's health is women. Most of the men who come to see me are brought. They are what I call 'wife-mandated referrals,' and my message to women is to stand up to depression. Yes, it may be rocky getting him there, but once he is there and properly treated, everybody's life will be better."

Guest Blogger who has been there...has helpful advice

2008-02-15T09:49:00.008-05:00

From Guest Blogger, Susan Nelson of http://www.capitolagirl.com/ -

"I have not been married, nor am I living in an environment where someone suffers from depression. However, I have been in a past relationship with a person who went through a deep depression. I too, have also suffered from depression in the past.

My best advice is as follows:

(1) Get outside/professional support for yourself. Even if you are not the experiencing symptoms of depression yourself, it helps to get an outside points of view to help you learn and use skills to build your understanding of the issues of depression, and to keep yourself thinking healthy and positive.

(2) Read and learn about the symptoms and impact of depression. Online retailers like Amazon and other booksellers have huge collections of books that you can read to learn more about the subject. Books not only written for the person suffering from depression, but for the people in his/her life. Stress and worry can take a toll on your emotions, and over time can lead to other physical/health issues.

(3) Encourage the depressed person to seek support. Do not try to rescue him on your own, but do listen to his feelings without being judgmental or dismissive. Also, do not confuse his feelings with your own. Know that although your love is very valuable, your love for him is not enough to get him through his depression. A depressed person must make the decision to get into a healthier state of mind on his own.

In the mean time, take care of yourself. You cannot be a supportive model in someone's life unless you yourself are healthy. Get the support and help that you need so that in turn, you can be part of a healthy support system for others."

Diet affects mood & sleep

2008-02-12T14:16:00.004-05:00

There were some tidbits in today's paper about diet affecting mood & sleep that I thought I'd post. Whenever I read info like this (from a reputable source), I try to pass it along (either verbally or by email) to my husband who is always up for trying different strategies to fight his depression. I also think it is important to follow the same diet advice as the spouse/caregiver.

- Protein can perk you up when you are running out of energy.
- A small carbohydrate serving, such as fiber-rich cereal with fat-free milk, can relieve anxiety and help you get to sleep at night.
- Bananas, milk and leafy greens help stimulate dopamine production, which helps calm nerves.
- Fish that is rich in omega-3 acids raise levels of serotonin in the brain, which can ease symptoms of depression. (This is also true for fish oil supplements.)
- Sunflower seeds, whole grain cereals and Brazil nuts, are loaded with selenium which can ease a bad mood.
- You need some healthy fats to keep your brain working and your mood up.

Source: epigee.org

Feb 11th on NPR's All Things Considered: Arguing the Upside of Being Down

2008-02-12T11:42:00.001-05:00

There is an interesting new book out titled Against Happiness by Eric G. Wilson that has a fascinating (and refreshing) perspective of depression, arguing the need for sadness in the world. He writes about the virtues of melancholia and the fear of unhappiness in our society.

From a Married-to-Depression viewpoint, I found the following excerpt from yesterday's review of this book on NPR's All Things Considered of particular interest:

The husband [referring to the author, Eric G. Wilson] and father of a young daughter also acknowledges that melancholy is "difficult terrain to negotiate in domestic situations." He says there are certainly times when his family hoped he would be "happier," and yet they would not want him to pretend to feel something he doesn't. Wilson says that by taking his melancholy seriously, his family ultimately will get to know him more deeply and develop a more intimate relationship with him. "To get to know your partner, your spouse, your friend fully, you really have to find a way to embrace the dark as well as the light. Only then can you know that person," he says.

I am ordering this book today and urge you to click on the following link to read the entire excerpt from yesterday's broadcast.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=18885211

25% to 50% incidence of depression following a head injury or TBI

2008-02-11T17:47:00.001-05:00

I received an email yesterday from a woman who shared her personal story of her husband's depression after he sustained a head injury in a car accident. Studies consistently show a 25% to 50% incidence of depression after traumatic brain injury (TBI). I had no idea & I am grateful for the email regarding this fact.

After some online research, I located a summary of research from Duke University Medical Center regarding the correlation between head injuries and an increased risk of depression. I also found a plethora of info on the subject of head injuries on braininjury.com (the link is in the column to the right of this screen.)

Here is the summary of the Duke study for your review:

DURHAM, N.C. - People with a history of head injury have an increased risk of depression for decades after the injury is incurred, and those with more severe head injuries appear to be at highest risk, according to an article in the January issue of the Archives of General Psychiatry.
Dr. Tracey Holsinger, from the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical Center, and colleagues identified 1,718 male World War II veterans who served during 1944 to 1945 and were hospitalized during that time, and used military records to establish the presence and severity of head injury. Then, in 1996 and 1997, Holsinger and her colleagues interviewed the 520 veterans who had been hospitalized with head injury (mean age at which the head injury was sustained was 20.9 years) and 1,198 who had been hospitalized for other reasons to determine their lifetime history of depressive illness. Men with dementia were excluded from the study.
The study showed that lifetime prevalence of major depression was 18.5 percent in those with a history of head injury compared with 13.4 percent in those without.
"We found an association between head injury during early adulthood and lifetime prevalence of major and minor depression," Holsinger said. "This finding may not be surprising given the reports of increased rates of depressive symptoms shortly following head trauma."
The researchers also found that the prevalence of major depression was higher in younger compared with older patients.
According to background information in the article, more than 1.2 million Americans sustain head injuries annually. The mechanism by which brain injury might affect lifetime risk of depression is unclear and that disability after head injury may be attributed to physical, cognitive or psychological factors. Head trauma has been considered a risk factor in Alzheimer's disease and other dementias.
"Whether depression results from direct damage to [brain] regions or from response to the damage is unclear," Holsinger said.
"Our findings suggest that the effects of head trauma continue for decades after injury," she added. "The cost of depression to individuals includes shortened life span and decreased quality of life. The cost to society includes increased burden of illness, adding to the already extensive cost of brain injuries."

This study was supported in part by a grant from the National Institute on Aging, National Institutes of Health. Joining Holsinger in the study were Duke colleagues Dr. David Steffens, Michael Helms and Brenda Plassman; Caroline Phillips, Dr. Richard Havlik and Dr. Jack Guralnik from the Epidemiology, Demography and Biometry Program of the National Institute on Aging; and Dr. John Breitner from the School of Public Health at Johns Hopkins University.

(Above art by Woody Igou - www.woodyigou.com)

Share your own personal story as guest blogger

2008-02-09T11:34:00.001-05:00

A quick posting to tell readers that your own personal stories of being married to depression are welcomed. How do you handle it? Do your kids understand? Do your friends and family know? How are they responding? Is he/she being treated, successfully? What works? (You can remain anonymous.) Email your story to mailto:mtdepression@gmail.com.Try to make it 400 words or less. Thanks!

Public couple who triumphed over husband's depression - split.

2008-02-09T11:06:00.001-05:00

I just read an article about the plus-sized supermodel, Emme, who famously stood by her husband, Phil, during his bout of debilitating depression a few years ago. It seems the couple is splitting up. I am usually not terribly interested in celebrity personal lives but this one touches a nerve. I can't help wondering what eventually split them up after everything they went through together (seemingly all the while maintaining their love for one another) dealing with his depression, suicide attempts, eventual triumph and recovery...

My reason for mentioning this celeb tidbit is because the article I just read reminded me of an excellent issue of Newsweek Mag in which Phil and Emme Aronson provided a great interview. The cover story of the issue (Newsweek February 2007) was titled Men & Depression and was of particular interest to my husband and I this time last year. It is an excellent article...one to printout and hand to your husband, brother, friend, neighbor, coworker if he is in the depths of depression. It was helpful to my husband to read that there are CEOs, successful businessmen, fathers, husbands, smart, normal guys that have everything going for them that suffer from debilitating depression too. It made him feel like he wasn't a failure or a freak - there were people out there just like him!

Here is the link to that edition of Newsweek: http://www.aolcdn.com/coaches/newsweek-men-depression-022607.pdf

Support Groups - are there any out there?

2008-02-06T09:09:00.000-05:00

I have been researching the availability of support groups specifically geared to those individuals who are "married to depression." Please let me know if you know of any groups that meet in your city that focus on this issue. As I find support groups, I will post them. In the meantime, I will keep searching...

Postpartum depression: Effects on the marriage

2008-02-05T10:43:00.000-05:00

Article on Postpartum depression & marriage from http://www.mental-health-families.com/, written by Beth McHugh.

Postpartum depression can be one of the significant factors involved in marital friction and divorce. Despite the prevalence of the condition, women are reluctant to talk about the effect it has on their marriage.
In previous blogs, we have discussed the symptoms of postpartum depression and requirements for recovery. Today we will look at the impact of the condition on the mother's primary relationship: the one she shares with the father of her child.
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Since the myths surrounding having a baby are all largely positive, it can come as a rude surprise to the mother to discover that the baby she longed for is the catalyst for a bewildering range of symptoms including anger, unexplained and unrelieved sadness, an inability to cope, inability to sleep, and a whole raft of accompanying symptoms that do not "fit in" with the new mother's usual personality.
But the most confused person of all is customarily the husband. If postpartum depression occurs after the birth of the first child, it is doubly difficult for both parents to negotiate the hazards of married life after birth, as there is no "normal" template to follow from previous births.
Support from the father is important for a happy mother/baby relationship but is critical when the mother is found to be suffering from postpartum depression.

Find the rest of the article on http://www.mental-health-families.com/

How Depression Can Affect Your Marriage

2008-02-05T10:37:00.000-05:00

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nancy_Wasson

"In my work through the years as a counselor, I’ve talked with many depressed individuals. I’ve also had personal experience with depression myself and know firsthand how debilitating it can be. Nearly everyone at some point in their life will be affected by depression—either their own or someone else’s, such as a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or friend. Just in the U.S. alone, depressive disorders affect approximately 18.8 million adults in any given year. Statistics show that only twenty percent of those who experience depression will receive an appropriate treatment plan. Many depressed individuals will be too embarrassed to seek help and will suffer in silence, sometimes for years.

The effects of depression can negatively impact every aspect of a person’s life—marriage, home life, work, and friendships. And the burden of living with a depressed spouse can take a heavy toll on the quality of a marriage. Untreated depression poses a very real threat to a marriage. Recent research indicates that when one spouse suffers from depression, the likelihood is increased that both spouses will have an unhappy marriage. This is because mental health and unhappy marriages are closely entwined. The harmful effects of depression are not limited to the depressed spouse but affect the partner, also the depressed spouse will experience less happiness, satisfaction, and contentment in the marriage. At the same time, the partner will struggle with handling the increased isolation and social withdrawal of the depressed spouse, the loss of emotional intimacy (and often sexual intimacy as well), and the prevalent negativity in the relationship.

Find the rest of the article on http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nancy_Wasson

Article found on associatedcontent.com on being married to depression

2008-02-01T21:36:00.001-05:00

I found the following article on associatedcontent.com by writer Kelly Herdrich (link is below) which discusses dealing with your spouse's depression...

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/472148/married_to_depression.html

Flashback to one year ago...

2008-02-01T20:56:00.004-05:00

It is hard for me to go back in my mind to one year ago. My husband was emotionally declining in health, seemingly becoming weaker in his long fight against depression/anxiety. Depression had rendered our marriage to threads. It was speaking for him and had been for years. I was blaming myself, my short-comings, my mis-steps, my weaknesses. I barely got through the holidays - wanting to run away from the house and hide-out in my dear friend's guest bedroom. I had two things holding me back from running...my children and my overly optimistic view of the world. I have always had a way of thinking positively & projecting forward in time that is similar to the recent craze known as "The Secret." This positive, forward thinking is largely what got me through the toughest times. Looking in the eyes of my two beautiful children also snapped me out of any personal darkness I may ever have entered. If only it could have been that easy for my poor husband. At this point, the depression vacuum was sucking him down - fast.

One year ago, I watched my husband unravel before my very eyes and didn't say a word to my family or friends. In February of last year, I finally shared the extent of my husband's misery with a dear friend and I felt some liberation from our household secret. My sister moved in with me following her marital separation and my husband's depression surprised her completely. I made her swear not to tell our family - not to burden anyone with the truth. Meanwhile, I started to withdraw from social activities that didn't involve my kids and really began to experience what turned out to be a near-nightmare, almost alone. Looking back, I regret not reeling in my family members earlier in the game. I regret lying about my husband's whereabouts on weekends when not wanting to reveal that he was in bed, crying - suffering. I regret not screaming for help earlier - SAVE MY HUSBAND, SOMEBODY! I hate that I didn't call my cousin who is a psychiatrist for input earlier.
I was so strong in many ways during that time but looking back on it all I also feel I was so, so weak because I was scared beyond belief and didn't want it all to become a circus. Did I want everyone worried about us, feeling sorry for us? Would my friends want their kids to play at our house still? Would they leave their kids alone with me if my (depressed) husband was home?What would happen if he couldn't work? We were fortunate enough with savings, some investments and no major debt but we had a big mortgage that wouldn't take long to drain us....eventually we could not live on my income alone - I hadn't been back to work in six years and the idea of being the only working member of the family terrified me, this wasn't what I planned on, would this steep decline of his mental health render him unable to perform as he had for the 14 years that I have known him - high level executive, board member of a nonprofit, well-liked in the community and well-respected in all aspects of his life...how desperate would we become if this disease got the best of him? It was all so frightening. I thought that somehow he could get through this without hitting bottom and letting the depression take over him. He was a productive, successful and energetic person. He was a wonderful provider, a loving father and kind husband. It just got so out of control, so fast.

Depression's Toll on Marriages

2008-01-31T10:00:00.000-05:00

Found on cbsnews.com archives...

When one spouse suffers from depression, both will have an unhappy marriage, new research shows. There is a growing body of research indicating that mental health and unhappy marriages are closely entwined, writes lead researcher Mark A. Whisman, PhD, with the University of Colorado at Boulder. His paper appears in the October issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Being in a relationship with someone with mental health problems may lower the satisfaction for the partner, he writes. The burden of living with someone who has mental health problems takes a toll. However, few researchers have investigated the effects of both partners' mental health on the relationship, Whisman writes.

Depression, Unhappy Marriage Linked

For their study, Whisman and his colleagues recruited 774 married couples from seven states. Each partner was tested for depression, anxiety, and whether they had a happy or unhappy marriage. Researchers found that each spouse's level of anxiety and depression predicted an unhappy marriage for the depressed spouse and the other spouse as well. The more anxious and/or depressed either spouse was, the more dissatisfied he or she was with the marriage. Depression — more than anxiety — affected whether a person considered themselves to be in a happy or unhappy marriage.

The researchers found that there were no differences between the sexes in the magnitude of the effects. A spouse's level of depression also predicted martial satisfaction, and other studies have shown a similar pattern, he writes. There's a possible flaw in this study: If a spouse was depressed when completing questionnaires about his or her unhappy marriage, it might have affected how he or she responded. When treating spouses with an unhappy marriage, therapists should closely evaluate each partners' mental health, he writes.

SOURCE: Whisman, M. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, October 2004; vol 72: pp 830-838.

Wearing Down as the Rescuer

2008-01-31T09:37:00.000-05:00

From a website called wholefamily.com. A writer was inquiring about his/her feelings of impatience and exhaustion in relation to depressed spouse. Dr. Michael Tobin's answer was personally helpful...being "worn down" is a common feeling when one is dealing with a spouse or partner's depression.

Dear No Interest,

The fact that you're exhausted and impatient is no surprise. Being the Rescuer for such a long time is wearing you down. You've discovered that the job offers you no support, affection, fun and joy. Here's why:

When a person takes on the role of the Rescuer, he sacrifices his needs, thinking that his good will, kindness and insightful advice will lift the Victim, in this case your wife, out of the depths of her pain and depression. It can feel quite uplifting to have such a powerful effect on another human being. However, that effect is very short lived, if successful at all. The Victim remains stuck and the Rescuer feels frustrated.

Sometimes the Victim either gets angry or even more depressed as a way of showing her disapproval of the Rescuer's ineffective efforts. And sometimes the Rescuer either becomes depressed because his efforts have been so ineffective or he becomes angry with the Victim for not changing. It's also possible that the Rescuer may become so depressed at his lack of effect that he turns into the Victim and the Victim becomes the Rescuer. Another scenario: the Rescuer or Victim, out of a sense of frustration, become Persecutors and start torturing each other.

It sounds like you've become tired of this game. That's healthy. Now you want a different kind of relationship with your wife. As long as you're scripted to play the role of the Rescuer and she, the role of the Helpless Victim, there is no chance that either of you can have a genuine relationship based on love, mutual sharing and need fulfillment. I think you understand that.

So the question remains: How do you change a pattern in a relationship that is well established? And if one person is ready for a change and the other isn't, can a relationship survive?

One thing is certain -- ignoring the eventual confrontation with your wife will not help either of you. I understand that you don't want to hurt her. However, the only chance for a meaningful relationship is if you deal directly with your feelings. Your wife's big fear is that you don't love her and she's right, you don't. As long as you treat her as a helplessly depressed incompetent there is no way that you can feel genuine love for her. You both know that.

Yes, if you begin to deal honestly, there will probably be a crisis. Your wife will likely become more depressed or angry and you might feel terribly guilty. This is the inevitable first stage of change. To get through that stage I would strongly recommend that you be in marital therapy and I strongly recommend that you make that suggestion in a loving and sensitive manner. Let her know that your deep desire is to have a close and genuine relationship and that you feel that there are issues that would be best discussed with a marital counselor. She may very well hear this suggestion as proof that you don't love her and that this is your first step toward divorce. Don't try too hard to convince her; just stick with your decision to go into therapy. I'm sure that she won't resist.

Change is always hard. However, the alternative is further depression, dissatisfaction and the eventual death of your marriage. Take a deep breath, find the courage within and begin that first step toward creating a genuine relationship based on honesty and openness.

Good luck,
Dr. Michael Tobin

Depression in my home

2008-01-12T21:27:00.000-05:00

How did it get here? Who let it in? I know, I know - his genetic pool was severely polluted from the beginning. I knew his family history when I married him and was fully aware that depression prevailed in his childhood home where his father lost his own battle with the dreaded D word. My husband's personal battle with the disease began years ago -so here D is in our children's home attempting to surface as the dreaded legacy - but not without a fight. He came out of the true depths of despair last year, like a warrior. He is still in the grips of the disease - he fights the demons everyday with the help of his doctors. He is a productive, high-functioning depressive but gets tired of fighting from time to time and has to have one eye open always in fear of the dreaded D surfacing at any given moment. He arms himself with self-help books, his medication, talk therapy and meditation techniques. Damn depression.

[The above image is the Andrikan symbol of perseverance and commitment and means "I shall marry you." ]